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Hello there, and thank you for taking the time to read this edition of Myths & Mischief. This is Lord Jeri, and today, we will be talking about a sensitive topic: Suicide Survival. And we will be interviewing a suicide survivor who will remain anonymous for their own safety and comfort.

Our interviewee was kind and considerate enough to answer my questions so that we may better understand a survivor’s perspective. Going forward, my questions will be bolded and start with “LJ:”, and the interviewee will start with “I”.

 

 

LJ: First of all, thank you for trusting me with this part of your story. You are welcome to skip any question, withdraw something you have said, or end the interview at any time. Please share only what feels safe for you; I will not ask about methods or graphic details. 

 

I: Of course, thank you for asking. 

 

LJ: Question 1. Before we talk about that difficult period, what would you like people to know about you as a person?

 

I: I’m a new mom who is a creator that loves playing video games, writing, and the group BTS. I’ve been married to my husband just about seven years (our anniversary is next week!), and have been with him seventeen years. I love helping people and strive to one day have a career doing so in some way.

 

LJ: That’s wonderful. I love to hear all the positives you’ve focused on. 

 

I: I’m trying to focus on positives more now, which is a work in progress. 

 

LJ: That goes into my next question very smoothly: question 2. When you think back on that time, what do you wish others had understood about what you were experiencing internally? 

 

I: At the time, I really wanted those around me to understand the pain I was feeling. My thoughts were running over each other constantly and it was so noisy inside my mind. I didn’t truly want to leave, but I felt it was the only option to heal the pain I felt. 

 

LJ: When thoughts run, it can be hard to control how fast and far they go; that is most definitely true. 

 

I: Truly. I’m used to it for the most part, but this was a chaos that I couldn’t control within me. 

 

LJ: Well, that flows into our next question of 3. Were there signs that you were struggling that people misunderstood, or that you became able to recognize only afterward? 

 

I: I don’t think there were any signs that those around me misunderstood, per se. My husband knew that I was struggling, though he didn’t know how much until I texted him and then shut my phone off. I tend to be good at hiding my true thoughts or intentions from those around me. Now, I can usually tell when the thoughts like this start to surface, and I try to focus on the positives in my life to shift from what those thoughts are trying to direct me towards. 

 

LJ: I see. It’s both easy and hard to get help when you’re so good at hiding your true thoughts or intentions. It’s like a Catch-22. You think it keeps you safe, but sometimes it doesn’t. 

 

I: Absolutely. I also struggle with asking for help too so that doesn’t help either. 

 

LJ: Ah, you beat me to our next question. 4. Was there anything that made it difficult to tell someone how much pain you were in?

 

I: Lol, oh yes. I suck at asking for help, both in areas of mental health and in general. I try to do so much on my own, partly because I’ve always felt I couldn’t ask for help when I was younger. It wasn’t that my parents wouldn’t believe me or wouldn’t help but I just didn’t want to inconvenience them. 

 

LJ: That’s very understandable. I know you’re a very independent person in the best possible way, but that is also a Catch-22, wouldn’t you say? 

 

I: 100%, being extremely independent does make it difficult to then relinquish that control over to someone else. Thinking I can handle it all on my own definitely got me in this position so I have to learn to let it go 

 

LJ: Question 5. Was there a person, moment, resource, or seemingly small act that helped you remain here? What made it meaningful to you?

 

I: My daughter and my husband for sure, and the fact that I had tickets to the BTS concert in Foxborough, lol. It would be my niece’s first time seeing them in concert after being a fan since she was younger and I didn’t want to take that from her. 

 

LJ: Hey, any little thing that helps you go from “Statistic” to “Survivor” is okay in my book. I am glad you are here, and we have your family and BTS to thank. 

 

I: BTS has saved me more times than I can count since I started listening to them in 2020. Their music is amazing and tells amazing stories. 

 

LJ: I mean this genuinely when I say I am sure there are many others who feel the same way. Music is something most people can connect with, and it changes lives, literally. 

 

I: It does and it also transcends language too. I may not speak Korean at all but I can understand their songs. 

 

LJ: Yes, exactly! 

 

I: Some people don’t get it! I can feel the emotions in their words when I listen. 

 

LJ: They haven’t found the right song or band yet to touch their heart and soul. 

 

I: Probably not.

 

LJ: Question 6. What did support look like when it genuinely helped, and what responses, even if well-intentioned, made you feel more alone?

 

I: For me, for the support to help, it needs to not make me feel like a child. I’m a grown woman and you should treat me as such. Telling me that I matter, that the things I do matter, that my life has meaning and worth, helps me. Especially since I struggle with my self-esteem and imposter syndrome. 

The responses that don’t help are some of the typical responses people throw out at people with depression: “Go for a walk,” “drink water,” “take deep breaths.” But the one that really makes me crazy is “Have you tried praying/seeking out the Lord?” I consider myself to be a non-religious Pagan and my relationship with Christianity is a rough one. I don’t even like when people say they are gonna pray for me. I usually have to tell them that I don’t feel comfortable with it because I’m not religious.

 

LJ: Oh, those drive me crazy as a survivor myself. So I can understand your frustration there. 

 

I: So many just don’t get it. I don’t care if you are religious or whatever but when I have made it clear I am not, just listen to me. 

 

LJ: Exactly, listen to your wishes. 

 

I: For real. 

 

LJ: Question 7. Recovery is rarely a straight path. What has healing actually looked like for you, including the parts people do not usually see?

 

I: Healing for me has been listening to music as much as I can throughout the day. Also, focusing on my daughter and her growth and development. The part that a lot of people don’t see is just me taking time to listen to my own thoughts and understand where some of them are coming from and figure out how to solve those issues or problems little by little. I’m trying hard not to fall back into retail therapy though, lol. I can’t afford it as much as it makes me happy. 

 

LJ: A lot of people will fall into bad habits as a way of coping, but I am glad to see music and family are still your top priorities. 

 

I: Always. While I won’t mind telling my daughter someday about the struggles, I don’t want her to know about them now. I want her to see her mother as the strong and happy woman she needs to have around her. 

 

LJ: That’s genuinely such devotion, as a fellow mother with things I have to work on I can’t help but agree with and admire. 

 

LJ: Question 8. How has surviving that period changed the way you understand yourself, your relationships, or the life you want to live?

 

I: It definitely helped me to know when it’s okay to ask for help, when it’s okay to step away, and definitely when it is okay to tell someone that they are not helping and being toxic. I have no qualms cutting off people if I feel they will not be there to help or support me, even if they are family. It also helped bring into view the life I want to have and the career path I might go down. I want to help other women who are going through this period themselves and whatever that means for me to do, if that’s writing a book, looking into becoming an activist, whatever that means. 

 

LJ: I love this mindset for you. It’s healthy and focused. 

 

LJ: Almost done haha, question 9. What do you wish friends and loved ones knew about supporting someone who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts?

 

I: Don’t look at them like they are a broken China doll. Yes, we are broken partially but we aren’t fragile. Sometimes being blunt is the only way to get through to someone who is feeling suicidal or having suicidal thoughts. And definitely take it seriously even if it seems like the person is making jokes. They may as well be but maybe they aren’t. Some people use humor to hide the pain and will tell you they aren’t being serious only to then turn around and complete the process. Check on them frequently, even if they say they are fine.

 

LJ: That’s really beautiful. I like the comparison to the China doll the most. 

 

I: It’s from watching those around me anytime suicide is brought up. They see it as being a broken China doll, that it means the person is fragile. The mind might be but the person is not. 

 

LJ: I like to think of us as Kintsugi pieces, not entirely broken and brought together by gold to become something entirely new and entirely unique.

 

I: That is the best way of looking at it. Kintsugi is such a beautiful art style and those pieces show the true meaning of life and art, in my opinion. 

 

LJ: I love that we agree on that. Especially as fellow survivors. And here comes our last one, and I know you have something amazing to say.  

 

LJ: Question 10. If someone reading currently feels as you once did, what would you want to say to them without pretending their pain has an easy answer?

 

I: Life isn’t easy, it never will be. But there are things we can do to make it more manageable each day. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard and that is okay. Sometimes cooking something to eat takes too much energy and it’s okay to order takeout or to eat a bag of popcorn for lunch(I’ve done that a couple of times). Know that the pain is temporary and you are in control of that pain. Maybe the only way to ease some of it is by literally screaming so do that. Maybe the only way to ease it is to play a game like The Sims where you play God (this is not a condonement of setting Sims on fire, though maybe that helps, lol). Or maybe you just listen to music, feel your feelings and emotions, and box them up to explore another day when you feel stronger. These thoughts don’t define you or who you are. And if you say to yourself, I have to stay because I have a saved game I want to finish or I have a pet that relies on me or even I want to see the next Avengers movie, then do it. No reason to stay around is too small in my opinion. 

 

LJ: That was beautiful, my friend. I want to thank you so much for taking the time to do this interview with me and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest. It means the world to me. 

 

I: Of course, my love. I believe that by talking about it openly, it helps not just myself but others out there going through it too. Especially right now. We all need to be vulnerable. 

 

LJ: Definitely. 

 

 

To our readers in the United States: If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, call or text 988 or visit the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If there is immediate danger, call 911.

To our readers in the UK, follow this link to resources for those struggling or in crisis.